Tantus’ Mikey 02 god damnit!

So once upon a 3 weeks ago, I was all like “I should review the Mikey!” And I should have because it’s really great. And I’m gonna do it right the hell now. Unfortunately, I can’t get a crappy photo of it because it’s at my boyfriend’s house, and I’m hella forgetful, and bleuiwhedlqbdqn. Also, I have a weird, tangentially related IUD update that was preventing penetration from happening.

I’m bad at life.

The Mikey, however, is really good at life. The Mikey is thick, but not too; short and stout; and squishy, but only just so. The Mikey is made with your cervix in mind, if you have one. It is not a long dildo. In terms of thrusting, where normally I have to be careful with my cervix, and not ram large objects into it at high speeds, the Mikey doesn’t disturb it. But what the Mikey lacks in length, it makes up in (relative) width. With a diameter of 1.6″ it isn’t a dildo for the size queens. It’s the thickest thing I own and the thickest I can handle, for what it’s worth, and the texture, which is that more matte silicone, ensures there’s no shortage of sensation. The tip is unique in that it’s more like the shiny silicone that Tantus is known for, but the rest is the draggy kind. That dildo wants you to know it’s there, but wants to make entrance easy for you. BRILLIANT.

This is the only Tantus 02 toy I have, but it’s perfect consistency. I actually like it better than the Vixskin dual density (at least the Mustang’s) because it’s more dense and substantial. The squish is very shallow on the Mikey, and to me that gives it more body, but that’s a matter of personal taste. The consistency, I have found, provides more resistance during orgasm, which is a really cool sensation. I don’t really know how to describe that. It’s like the difference between a crunchy taco and a soft taco.


Pictured: A taco with an identity crisis. Those are potatoes. What is going on here?

With a thick base, shiny head, and shorter shape, it’s pretty great for a harness, I imagine. You can get zealous with the thrusting without gouging anyone’s junk. Ditto having a partner use it by hand. Go nuts!

Couple of things though: 1. It only comes in “never seen the sun vampire flesh” and “maybe south of france flesh” and I got probably one of the last black ones. Boo. Also, if you need X-TREME g-spot stimulaion, maybe look elsewhere. While the Mikey has a kiiiiinda exaggerated head, and a wee bit of a curve, it isn’t laser-guided to the g-spot by any means. Just sayin.

Now, I wanted to get this review done during the month of Feb because Tantus is selling all 02 line dildos at 30% off with the code IHEARTYOU til the end of the month, which is like. Really really soon. You should prolly get your hands on one here.

I think I had 4 orgasms in under a minute

So the Wahl. Both the original and the heated version have been reviewed by people who know things.

But I am an adventurer in training (what with the geography degree and all) and thus, I have tried the Wahl Percussion Massager. I won’t hesitate to say it’s magical. A couple of posts ago, I said it was kinda “meh.” I attribute that to my adrenal glands being shot by two consecutive weeks of stimulants, fluorescent lights, and dried foods with a side of sleep deprivation. I’ve come around to this massager/bat/club, and I apologize for my rudeness earlier.image

Pictured: The Wahl, Wahl attachments, my cat.

Unlike the original Wahl, this thing comes with 4 attachments, only two of which matter at all. The thing with the four prongs is great for actual massages, but that’s why god invented people. Also, it’s a different material from the rest of the attachments, which I think are all ABS plastic. The bumpy thing in front of it is actually purposeless. Cat toy material. The dome shaped jaunt, second from the front, I like quite a lot, and the shape ensures it doesn’t quite so much with the clit stabbing. The pointy thing isssssss pointy, but occasionally nice. Granted, all of these attachments (especially the dome-shaped one) are wide, so if you prefer pinpoint stimulation, this may not be the best match.

I have a morbid interest in vibrators that don’t vibrate. The motor makes the attachment move up and down like a jack hammer, though I don’t know how much I can tell the difference. It goes fast enough that it feels like a rumbly vibration.

The speeds are scrollable, and as soon as I turn it on, it’s enough for me. Anything beyond the lowest possible setting is nearly too much, especially with the pointed tip.

The cord is about 8.5 ft, which feels generous to me. Can’t say I’ve weighed it, but based on the descriptions of the original Wahl shape/size/mass, it’s a less cumbersome experience. The handle works well, and it doesn’t hog too much space, meaning use with a dildo isn’t out of the question.

Awesome things include leaving this plugged in next to your bed, rolling over at 3 am, hammering your clit for 4 orgasms in under a minute without freaking your cat out, and then tossing it back to the side of your bed. Truly, my Fairy Wand is lame in comparison. The only drawback is that it’s like 3x the price of the original Wahl. This is still pretty damn affordable. Also people won’t know it’s a vibrator. Do it. Do the thing.

Fun Factory’s Bimini Ocean…a non-judgemental story

Ever been to a party that you went out of your way to attend, knowing full-well that it wasn’t going to be the event of the century? You knew you’d see a couple old friends there and maybe meet an interesting person or two, but you knew from the get-go that you weren’t going to have a lasting experience.

This pretty little vibrator feels like that. Like a one-night-stand that was satisfactory, but undertaken with no passion or burning desire. The minute I saw the thing, I knew I wanted it, if for no other reason than purely the aesthetics, but I knew it wasn’t going to rock my socks off. I knew this because there is no way to use it the way one would use a vibrator. Too short to thrust; clitoral arm too short; inconsistent width. So I waited until the price at SheVibe was more agreeable and went ahead with it.

It’s very, very small, for one thing. Small enough for my weird vag that doesn’t like girth, but the shape complicates it. That g-spot curve adorned with the cute little wave? Yeah, I’m not having the greatest luck with the shoving and thrusting. It might be Fun Factory’s plush silicone, but I choose to believe otherwise. Am I not using enough lube, or the right lube? It’s possible. But I shouldn’t have to dump a whole jar of coconut oil on this thing, considering the diminutive size.

Also, as I stated once before…that’s not where my clit is, Fun Factory. I’m sorry. The clit wave is just too short. Also, why are the buttons on the back, where I’m likely to change the speed? Guys?

All that said, I do like the motor(s). There are two, one in the top/g-spot wave and one in the clit section. The latter is slightly weaker, but If I use the former as a clit vibrator and forego penetration, it actually works rather well. The first few speeds are not worth a mention, but at no point is this vibrator buzzy. 7/10 speeds are actually really nice, and rumbly and deep and surprisingly quiet. Also, as draggy as this silicone is, I like the squishyness, since it makes for comfortable pelvic squeezing. Also, love the charger.

I’d give it a whirl with some water-based lube if I didn’t hate that shit with a firey passion, so I’ll leave that up to y’all. I’ve read some hilariously angry reviews about this vibrator and I appreciate them because they’re completely true. If you come across my review on the SheVibe site, you’ll notice that I was not much of a critic and there are two reasons for that. 1. I think I just didn’t try enough with it to know, by the time I wrote it, and 2. I wasn’t disappointed because my expectations were not high. What I expected was a well crafted (read: waterproof, solid charger, no seams, sterilizable), silicone vibrator with a good motor and I got that. You can tell by looking at it that the design is iffy. Too small in certain dimensions, aaaaaand I knew that when I decided to try it.

Maybe I’m just fatalistic, or maybe I’m not a perfectionist, I dunno. Of the three vibrators I actually own, I rank it second. I give it a resounding “meh” followed by a nod, and a barely audible sigh.

Lube N00b- an ongoing inquiry

I use a lot of lube. I’ve tried a lot of lube. Lube is great and good and good and great.

I have a deep, turgid hatred for water-based lubes. They get sticky so so so quickly, and I have been too turned off to try the ones that claim not to. So for the most part, I’ve stuck to silicone lubes and just avoided silicone toys, opting instead for glass, metal, and hard plastics. And then I fell in love:

Oh god, it’s got like minor antiseptic and antifungal capabilities, it’s totally compatible with silicone toys, it’s so so so smooth, it’s like $9 for 14 oz and you can use it to bake stuff and it has a really high smoke point and I like putting it on my genitals. I use one of these things to melt it down

Which is great cus it also works great as a massage oil. Also lotion. Also it lowers your cholesterol.

But it has one major flaw. which is that it is an oil. When oil meets latex, babies and infections happen. Condoms break, so you have two options, if you want to use coconut oil. Either use non-latex condoms (polyurethane, not polyisoprene. Polyisoprene is latex by a different name) or for those in monogamous relationships, go get yourselves tested and get on some kind of birth control. See my post below about IUDs.

But condoms are really great. Like super great and they’re more important than slathering your junk in food products. So, you can be astute and pay attention to the ingredients on any and every water-based lube you come across, or you can focus on silicones and reserve it for times when silicone toys aren’t in play.

Water-based lubes have some problems. One of them is glycerine (aka glycerol), which causes some of the drying out because it allows the lube to absorb into tissue. Also, it’s a sugar alcohol, and although I’m not a chemist, that sounds like a recipe for yeast infections. Also in butts, I would not be about something that absorbs, but that’s just me. Furthermore, there is an issue with parabens, which are used as preservatives. Sometimes they cause irritation, and that’s shitty. If you are a brave soul who will go with a water-based lube because you can, you know, use just one lube for everything, I would like to point you towards Sliquid. Their lube is satisfactorily not full of icky crap.

I’ll review some silicone lubes soon, when I gather them all…some are at the boyfriend’s house and I want to rate them by slipperyness or something. Mostly just looking for an excuse to mess with lube. Yeah. In summary, coconut oil is my favorite thing.

Mediacraft’s Fairy Wand: the giant one

This thing looks like a weapon…or a microphone. I keep it next to my bed as much for its use as a vibrator as for bludgeoning.

https://mail-attachment.googleusercontent.com/attachment/u/1/?ui=2&ik=ea918442aa&view=att&th=1421c287f07edb64&attid=0.1&disp=inline&realattid=1450654421160151228-1&safe=1&zw&saduie=AG9B_P_O2MRClBySkjQ7dkbUxpC0&sadet=1383451918272&sads=6p0qnNPIDnRocSuwrdPIDgonWWE&sadssc=1I was watching Boondocks.

The good news: This thing is the only thing that has made me squirt. It only did it once, which I guess means I’ve been trying too hard since then. Because it plugs in, its power is unyielding. Unlike the Hitachi, it has a rolling setting switch that’s placed very conveniently. The cord is long…like 6 feet. I love that the head is attached to a bendable neck, so it doesn’t wilt when pressure is applied.

The bad news: While impossibly powerful, it’s also somewhat buzzy. Or something…I can’t put my finger on it. What is it that makes a vibrator itchy? And numbing, dear god. 10 mins with it, and I can’t feel like, my entire pelvic region. Maybe it’s the weird ridges on the head, which I believe to be TPR. I can’t imagine why they did that. Avoid numbness with the lower settings, but the high settings are rather uncomfortable to me. It gets very hot. It only comes in pink.

Overall, I feel like the world can do better than this vibrator. The negatives don’t outweigh the positives, and the positives are true of other wand/massager style vibrators. There are bazillions…more than I can name. Best reviews I’ve heard are the Vibratex Mystic Wand, which I believe is a silicone head. I’d like to try this wand with attachments, though. Apparently the Hitachi attachments fit, and a better material might make this a more comfortable experience.

Oh Fun Factory

Dear Fun Factory

I’m a long distance admirer. I own one toy of yours (Bimini Ocean, review pending) and I use your body lube on a semi regular basis, and I think it’s my favorite. Amongst the public, there is a consensus that your toys carry strong motors, body safe silicone, whimsical colors, and efficient batteries. You run an ethical business all under one roof and have resisted the urge to outsource your labor to China or Pakistan unlike so many of your competitors. You invented the pulsating vibrator, an achievement in futuristic off-jerking. I have recommended toys of yours to other people on the basis that they’re high quality, sturdy, fun (looking and using) and a conscientious choice in the market. So I mean no disrespect by the below statements.

But I gotta know, Fun Factory, two things:

Who told you that’s where my clit was? That’s not where it is. I don’t think anyone’s clit is there. Is your clit there? Like a centimeter from your vag?
Why do you make toys that can see me? Flexi Felix knows where he’s going, and I don’t think he’s too happy about it. Nor your dolphin…people…things. Why you doin’ that?

Shine on, you crazy Germans!

Wilmington, NC, sex toy shops, attempt 2

So I went to North Carolina. And in North Carolina, I went to 2 sex shops.

First, I went to Adam and Eve. I didn’t realize it was a physical place until seeing a skeevy billboard for it on I-40, at which point I proclaimed my boyfriend’s car the “dildo mobile” and after dropping our stuff at the sketchiest motel I have ever seen, we were on our way.
Adam and Eve (as in www.adameve.com) was interesting. The first word that comes to mind is “clean.” Unlike their web stock, which contains a disproportionate amount of porous, jelly, rubber, whatever shit, this place had more silicone in terms of vibrators than I was expecting. In terms of harness-friendly dildoes, I was disappointed. Missing a big population chunk there…I guess it’s to be expected of a store called Adam and Eve. Heterosexist, much? I will give them this credit: amazing wall of lube. So much lube. There’s never enough lube.

While travelling to Adam and Eve, we found another store called A Sweeter View. Raunchier. Better glass/metal selection and more harness-friendly stuff, though none of it made of safe shit. No kinky porn, no gay porn. No harnesses. No lube. Guh how do you not sell more than like 2 lubes? How do you stay in business? The fuck?

Both of these stores had some impact play equipment, but it was made by Pipedream and is therefore crap. And even the Wallgreens in Chapel Hill had 3 different silicone lubes. I dunno. Wilmington is cool, but…eh. Ehhh. Eh.