I wrote 25,000 words over 3 weeks and am still too exhausted to jerk off

So I haven’t reviewed anything or posted anything in a minute. Turns out finals time during grad school is like, hard and stuff. Didn’t see that coming.  So eventually I’ll sit my ass up and start shoving things in it for your education and entertainment again. Probably this week. But after writing 70 pages worth of words about Arctic diseases, gentrification and dildos (not in that order), my two week period rolled in and was like HAY DID YOU MISS ME.

I was like UM YEAH, THANK GOD

And then I slept for several days. I’m still sleeping actually. Writing this as I sleep. And thanking the canadian gods every day for this lil gift:https://i0.wp.com/alittleadrift.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/diva-cup2.jpgBless this Diva Cup, for it is good and great.

Also I bought a Wahl. It’s kinda meh. My adrenal glands are in shards right now. I’ll get back when they work again.

Fun Factory’s Bimini Ocean…a non-judgemental story

Ever been to a party that you went out of your way to attend, knowing full-well that it wasn’t going to be the event of the century? You knew you’d see a couple old friends there and maybe meet an interesting person or two, but you knew from the get-go that you weren’t going to have a lasting experience.

This pretty little vibrator feels like that. Like a one-night-stand that was satisfactory, but undertaken with no passion or burning desire. The minute I saw the thing, I knew I wanted it, if for no other reason than purely the aesthetics, but I knew it wasn’t going to rock my socks off. I knew this because there is no way to use it the way one would use a vibrator. Too short to thrust; clitoral arm too short; inconsistent width. So I waited until the price at SheVibe was more agreeable and went ahead with it.

It’s very, very small, for one thing. Small enough for my weird vag that doesn’t like girth, but the shape complicates it. That g-spot curve adorned with the cute little wave? Yeah, I’m not having the greatest luck with the shoving and thrusting. It might be Fun Factory’s plush silicone, but I choose to believe otherwise. Am I not using enough lube, or the right lube? It’s possible. But I shouldn’t have to dump a whole jar of coconut oil on this thing, considering the diminutive size.

Also, as I stated once before…that’s not where my clit is, Fun Factory. I’m sorry. The clit wave is just too short. Also, why are the buttons on the back, where I’m likely to change the speed? Guys?

All that said, I do like the motor(s). There are two, one in the top/g-spot wave and one in the clit section. The latter is slightly weaker, but If I use the former as a clit vibrator and forego penetration, it actually works rather well. The first few speeds are not worth a mention, but at no point is this vibrator buzzy. 7/10 speeds are actually really nice, and rumbly and deep and surprisingly quiet. Also, as draggy as this silicone is, I like the squishyness, since it makes for comfortable pelvic squeezing. Also, love the charger.

I’d give it a whirl with some water-based lube if I didn’t hate that shit with a firey passion, so I’ll leave that up to y’all. I’ve read some hilariously angry reviews about this vibrator and I appreciate them because they’re completely true. If you come across my review on the SheVibe site, you’ll notice that I was not much of a critic and there are two reasons for that. 1. I think I just didn’t try enough with it to know, by the time I wrote it, and 2. I wasn’t disappointed because my expectations were not high. What I expected was a well crafted (read: waterproof, solid charger, no seams, sterilizable), silicone vibrator with a good motor and I got that. You can tell by looking at it that the design is iffy. Too small in certain dimensions, aaaaaand I knew that when I decided to try it.

Maybe I’m just fatalistic, or maybe I’m not a perfectionist, I dunno. Of the three vibrators I actually own, I rank it second. I give it a resounding “meh” followed by a nod, and a barely audible sigh.